It’s been a while, readers. So join me in a cup of tea while I tell you what’s been going on and why I’ve been such a terrible blogger. Help yourself to milk and sugar and let’s get going.
The main reason for my lack of blog has been illness. The Crohns got to me after Manchester Fashion Week and I flared like a crazy thing for most of June. Actually, no – all of June. I’m attributing this to stress and subsisting off nachos and energy drinks for 24 hours straight, plus lack of sleep and too much travel within too short a time frame.
My body is a strange thing. I was absolutely fine when I got home from Manchester, I had a client session the day after, but as soon as I ‘stopped’ on the day after that, I got sick. It was like I’d been running on high revs for three days and then my engine went ‘hell no’ and stalled.
I also got a lovely little kidney infection to go along with the flare-up. It doesn’t just rain, it pours with me. So I’ve spent a lot of time just sitting in bed feeling entirely rubbish. I’m much better now, so I can get back on track.
I’ve always denied that I have any mental health problems, but a trip to the doctor during my flare-up led to the floodgates being opened and she said ‘I think you’re depressed’.
And y’know what, I think she’s right.
I’m depressed because my illness stops me from having any kind of real social life so I sometimes feel like nobody likes me – I’d rather sit in my pants and watch Agent Carter with my cat than spend an evening in the pub expending spoons on pretending I’m having fun.
I’m depressed because watching my grandmother deteriorate from dementia is the worst thing in the world – I saw a copy of Here Comes Thursday (an amazing children’s book she used to read me) in a bookshop the other day and had to leave the shop because I started tearing up.
And most of all, I’m depressed because I feel like I’m failing at my job. There are times I think I was an idiot to leave my nice, safe little world of being a corporate drone but actually, if I’d stayed there, I’d have been hospitalised or possibly worse by now. That job was making me ill, and there’s no way I could have lasted there much longer.
I am doing my best to get over these roadblocks. I know I can’t do anything about Grandma, so I’ve decided just to remember the good times and maybe go back and buy that copy of Here Comes Thursday so we can read it together again. It will make me sad, but also happy because she’s still got enough marbles to read, and if we can read the book together, that will help me. I am taking steps to improve my business, and looking for a part time job to help with my money situation.
And I’m dealing with my illness. I’ve accepted I can’t do evening socials that well, so I tend to try and meet up with people during the day. This is fine, but I’m being brave and going to an evening party in a couple of weeks. Hopefully I’ll survive! At least it’s a barbecue so I can find a corner to sit and nibble my burger in peace if I get tired.
I don’t know. I always just thought I had no energy but for my doctor to suggest I might actually be properly depressed was kind of a ‘what?’. It explains a lot.
And add to that a dash of what might actually be anxiety and, well, I’m in a really fun place right now.
‘What’s the point?’ syndrome
Tied in to all of this is the feeling of ‘what’s the point of even blogging anymore?’ because I felt like nobody was reading this.
The likes and follows tell me otherwise, and it’s just a part of the general cloud of negativity I’ve been existing in lately.
I’m by no means the best blogger in the world. I started this blog for something to keep my brain occupied between bursts of self-promotion, and I never thought that I’d get as many readers as I have and I never thought it would turn into a beauty-centric blog. It was meant to be a local-focused blog, but that’s not really happened, so I’ve just run with a theme of ‘whatever I feel like ‘ and that suits me.
There have been times when I’ve felt ‘what’s the point?’ but then I remember that I actually do enjoy this, and I just need to stop feeling so stupid about everything and get the hell on with it. That’s the best remedy for me, anyway.
And really, why should I care if I have one reader or one hundred? I’ve never been one of ‘the popular kids’ so… why start giving a damn now? I’ll keep on writing and to hell with caring about my readership numbers. That’s probably the best way to deal with it, don’t you think?
And now for something positive…
I got a Thing published!
It got published in the local Woolacombe and Mortehoe magazine.
So that made me happy.
Now I just need to get more stuff published, right? And actually earn some money off it!
Thanks for reading my litany of excuses for why I’ve not blogged. I am going to get back into the swing of it soon. I have to – it is one of the things that keeps me going, so I don’t know why I ever stopped.
Expect normal makeup-centric posts to resume shortly, by the way. I have some new products to share with you.
(All stock images from Pixabay. Mortehoe Church vista by me.)